My goodness, so much can happen in just a month. For the shortest month of the year it has felt like an eternity.
I chose "Happiness" as my word of the year. There have been a whole bunch of really difficult and horrible things that have happened since the beginning of the year.
Memories resurfaced of events that have made a hugely negative impact on my life. It is painful to say the least and also devastating. But I will not let it rule my life.
I am looking at this as this is something I needed to remember in order to put certain pieces of the puzzle of my depression together in order to finally get through to the other side of it where happiness resides.
So, all in all, this is a good thing. I asked for happiness in 2013 and I am getting happiness by getting through to the core of my depression.
Very tough work.
On top of that I have had a series of unfortunate events that have just compounded everything. I went to visit my daughter in New Jersey last week and the morning I was leaving to come home, I got in a car accident. My right ankle and leg were sprained and, of course, got the usual muscle strains and pain that a car accident typically causes.
I borrowed my daughter's car to get home so I can go to a meeting that I cannot miss. My car is being appraised today and I'm nervously waiting to hear the news. The damage to the front is pretty bad and there very well could be damage to the frame. There is a good possibility that they may decide to total it, which really sucks because I just bought the thing a few months ago and still owe quite a bit of money on it and I don't have gap insurance, which I never even heard about until my daughter asked me if I had it. I'm kind of pissed at my insurance agent who never told me about it as I would certainly have gotten it.
So, I'm heading back to NJ on Thursday to return my daughter's car and if my car is totaled, Gayle and I will rent a car to get back home. If it isn't totaled, I'm going to have to drive my daughter's car back to NJ myself and hang around there which could be for at least a week (possibly more) while my car is being fixed.
I just want this whole thing to be over with. I want to get back home and get into a good routine.
To be honest, I didn't just go to New Jersey to visit my daughter. I needed to get away to clear my head about several issues. I'm happy to say that I received clarity in something that has torn and ripped my heart to shreds for the past almost four years. Major breakthrough there.
I also realized where I truly belong. I belong with my love, Gayle, in our cozy apartment in Massachusetts. My kids are grown and on their own now. Going to New Jersey allowed me to see my daughter in her home element. She is doing wonderful. She is happy and responsible and productive and is an amazing soon-to-be step-mom to my soon-to-be first grandson.
Seeing Katrina with her beautiful little family made me so proud and gave me the peace in my heart that I needed so I can truly know in my heart that my baby girl is okay. In fact, she is so much better than okay. She has such a wonderful and happy life and I'm just bursting with love and happiness for that.
Even though I absolutely hate that my kids live so far from me in different states, I have realized that they are okay without me (even though they both would love me to live in their states), and it is okay for me to move on with my life.
They are both so very happy in their lives and it is time for me to be happy in my life.
Gayle and I have built a life for ourselves here in Massachusetts where we were both born and raised. My roots are in MA. It is home. I love it here. And I love Gayle and I intend to live the rest of my life with her.
So, lots of realizations and revelations and acceptance and letting things go, which is a very good thing!
Now, to deal with the car issue . . .
*** UPDATE ***
My car was totalled. : ( The good thing is that my car insurance ended up paying most of my car loan off - I only owe less than $68. Thank goodness!!!