Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Confessions . . .

This post is very difficult for me. You see, I want to "appear" to be a happy-go-lucky girl who loves life and has creativity flowing from her finger tips. I want my blog to be an inspiring place for other women to spend a little time. But, to be honest, I suffer from major depressive disorder. I struggle with depression every single day. I have tried medication after medication for nearly 20 years, but my body violently rejects it. So I am left to deal with my depression without the aid of medication and most of the time I just feel down-right defeated.

There. I said it. I don't want my blog to be depressing and whiny and negative. But I also want to be me. Sometimes I feel that I am my depression. That depression is all that I am. But I'm not! I'm so much more than my depression.

I'm a girl that is full of creativity and so many wonderful, fun, and inspiring ideas! I'm a girl that loves her children more than life itself. I'm a girl who loves nature and animals and hot cups of tea and candlelight and funny movies and TV shows. I'm a girl who has a passion for reading and writing and learning about the creative process and getting a peek into the lives and processes of other creative women.

I'm a girl who longs to be a writer and an artist and have a thriving online business that enables me to work from home and make an abundant living to provide my family with a beautiful home and to be able to pay my bills on time without a worry and to sometimes take vacations and do fun things without worrying about the cost and without having to always put it on the dream list, but just being able to do it.

I'm a girl who longs to be happy; to experience happiness as an everyday part of my life.

I look at other people who are so happy and content and to me it is a mystery as to how they are so happy. How do they do it? How are they able to be happy? Why can't I be happy like that?

Yes, I have had my fair share of trauma in my life. But so have other women. And so many other women have overcome those traumas and have really made something of themselves and their lives and have somehow learned to be happy in spite of everything they have gone through.

I feel stuck. I feel trapped like a caged lion, pacing back and forth, trying to figure out how the hell to get out from behind the iron bars that keeps her held captive.

But I won't give up. I have been trying for years to "fight depression." My previous therapist told me I need to get mad at my depression and do the exact opposite of what it is telling me. If it tells me to go lie down under the covers and sleep, I need to get out of bed. If it tells me that I suck as an artist and why should I even bother, I need to get out that canvas and paint.

I've been told and have tried many things, yet they just don't do the trick. In my reading on building an online business, I have read time and again that if something doesn't work try another way.

I've thought a lot lately about happiness. I know this may seem obvious, but yesterday I was thinking about happiness again and the mystery that it is to me and I realized that happiness is the opposite of depression. I have also been thinking about contentment and realized that happiness brings contentment.

I have focused so much on depression and have read about it and written in my private journal about it, but now I see that maybe the way out of depression for me is to focus on happiness instead of depression. I think I ought to take the word 'depression' out of my vocabulary.

I am no longer seeking to overcome my depression. From now on I am seeking happiness.

Ta ta for now,


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Mondo Beyondo Wish

Yesterday was Wishcasting Wednesday over at Jamie Ridler Studios. I'm a day late, but that's okay. This is my first time participating. Jamie asked us to share what our Winter wishes are. So . . . My winter wish is of the "Mondo Beyondo" variety since I just lost my job.

My Mondo Beyondo winter wish is:

To create a vibrantly successful business that will enable me to support my family and not have to get a job outside the home, which will help me and my partner tremendously because my partner is disabled and I have fibromyalgia and a herniated disc in my lower back and sitting at a desk for 8 to 10 hours a day causes so much more pain for me. And the Mondo Beyondo part is that we have only $300 to last us until I can make some money, so this wish needs to come true within the next couple of weeks!

But miracles happen and Mondo Beyondo dreams come true and I am going to believe and have faith!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Fired and Fired Up!

I lost my job yesterday. I went in and wasn't even there an hour when my boss called me into the office and told me. No notice or anything.

I went home and went to bed and cried off and on all day and have shed tears this morning. I'm scared. I'm freaking out. Yet, there is also a part of me that is relieved. I hated my job. I hate working in a corporate environment. I hate working in an administrative capacity, doing payroll and billing and all that.

I'm thankful that I have the skills for those kinds of jobs. It has enabled me to make a living and sustain a beautiful home and get my Jeep a few months ago.

I feel very positive that the door closed on that job so that I can finally get serious about creating my own business, which is my ultimate dream. No more playing around for me. No more just dreaming about all the e-books, e-courses, and art I want to make and offer. Now it's time to hustle.

Perhaps, I just wasn't quite ready to dive in before, but now I have dusted off Leonie's Business Goddess e-course and printed off her awesome 2013 Create Your Incredible Year Calendar & Workbook (and now she has a Business version too!) and am in the midst of creating and planning for 2013 to be the most amazing and successful year ever for me!

Thank goodness I joined Leonie's Goddess Circle last year. The Circle gives me access to all of Leonie's goodies, and they are AMAZING, let me tell ya! Her Business e-course is one of THE BEST online creative business courses I have ever taken, and I have taken a lot!

Leonie is the person to help me to get my business started and growing and earning radiant abundance in a very quick matter of time. Her story really and truly inspires me like no other. She went from making less than $3,000 a year to making almost $100,000 in a little over a year and now she has a half a million dollar a year business. She is living the life of her dreams and only works a few hours a day, yet each year she doubles her income. Oh my goodness, to have the success she has had would be beyond anything I could ever imagine!

So, I am going to look at this as my opportunity to put myself and my offerings out there and that it is my time to shine!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Reindeer Painting

I painted yesterday!!! I am LOVING Christy Tomlinson's Winter Whimsy Workshop! I can't wait to make the next project - a Reindeer Owl! So, here is my adorable Reindeer:

I didn't have all the stamps and rub-ons that Christy has so I just used what I had. I also forgot to give my reindeer a neck, but I absolutely love how she turned out. I think she is so cute! I also gave her eyelashes and a smile. So I did a few different things to make her my own.

I am getting so many ideas for paintings. I love that Christy shows her creative process. She shows how and where she gets her ideas and how she translates them into her own style. That is what I've been looking for! I love to see other people's creative process. And now I have ideas on how and where to look for inspiration and how to translate that into my own style, which I'm still working on, but now I have a much better idea of how to get there. Very exciting! :)